


Magnus Bane's Heart

by MuscleMemory



Series: You Call And I Respond, The Sparrow And The Song [17]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-02-03 06:30:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12742884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuscleMemory/pseuds/MuscleMemory
Summary: And though he knew there was something there, something fragile and impossible, he also knew it was foolish, dangerous, unprecedented. And he should have stayed away. But one thing has never changed in all his hundreds of years. His head cannot withstand the desires of his heart once it’s set.





	Magnus Bane's Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hikaru9Yume](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hikaru9Yume/gifts).



> For a very special person.

He found the one.

He should be happy, elated, dance on the rooftops, paint it into the sky, tell the whole world. Despite the countless voices telling him he would never find true love, never find someone to stay with him through it all, wasn’t worthy, wasn’t good enough, was too eccentric, complicated, petty and pathetic.

They were _all_ wrong. Because he found him. He found Alexander.

His right forefinger trails along the rim of the whiskey glass in his left hand in a swift motion, darkness all around him as he sits in his favorite armchair, stark, as if he were made of stone, staring into nothingness. It’s been dark for a while, yet he hasn’t attempted to find any source of light, not even with a twitch of his finger.

Earlier he put some of his favorite music on, from the last two centuries, carousing in memories, the happier ones, nights of dancing and laughing, of stories and drinking, of pretty faces and heated kisses. Some of the happiest times in his life. Incomparable to what he feels now, what he’s been feeling since that night at the club his eyes found _him,_ and since, have been unable to look away.

And he could have been fine, satisfied with looking at him, from a distance, from a safe space. He could have, but, of course, he wasn’t, he had to pursue and probe and try, throw himself into it, newly opened heart and soul, too eager, too hopeful, maddening.

And though he knew there was something there, something fragile and impossible, he also knew it was foolish, dangerous, unprecedented. And he should have stayed away. But one thing has never changed in all his hundreds of years. His head cannot withstand the desires of his heart once it’s set.

And never has his heart cried out towards another being more than towards Alexander. And every carefully, painfully learned lesson was suddenly void. Magnus Bane’s heart wants who it wants, his tormented mind be damned.

And he is the luckiest man to ever roam the Earth. Because Alexander’s innocent, fearful, vast, genuine heart, answered his. And now, they’re beating as one.

He should be the happiest man to ever exist.

The whiskey glass chinks loudly in the silence as it touches the surface of the glass table. The sound rings in the stifling air of the loft for a few moments before it is sucked into the void.

Again, silence.

Countless voices told him he wasn’t ever going to find _it,_ and now that he has, he’s panicking.

Because, truth be told, he believed them. He has been fighting them for all of his life, whenever possible, and it wasn’t always, but he fought on, and on, and on. And yet, part of him has always lost the battle. And now that he truly, against all odds, found someone perfect for him, he can’t let himself believe that he will stay. That he will truly stick with him through anything, and though Alec has seen a lot, more than most, he still doesn’t know all there is to Magnus Bane, and there is a lot of shameful, ugliness. How much can Alexander withstand before his belief in Magnus cracks? Before his feelings turn into something else? Disappointment, resentment, hate. How long will it take? Because it will happen, won’t it? Of course it will, because Magnus Bane does not deserve anything else, he’s not meant to have true love and keep it, he’s not capable of it. He’s made countless mistakes already, some he can excuse himself, some he cannot, even though Alexander seems to, easily, and he seems to be able to understand him better than he does himself.

He doesn’t doubt Alexander. Not anymore, not ever truly. But, oh, he doubts his mind, his stupid, fierce tongue, his temper and propensity to self-destruct. He knows he’s strong, has had to be stronger than most, but caring and loving deeper than he ever has, makes him vulnerable in ways he’s not experienced before, either. Who knows what he could unleash? Without even wanting to?

Maybe he should spare him from ever finding out. But he can’t hurt him like that again, he can never hurt him like that ever again. He barely got through it himself. He’s too weak, he wants too much, to always taste that mouth, feel those arms around him, hear that laugh, see those eyes and that face, hear those footsteps, listen to the sound of him getting dressed, shaving, humming, eating, drinking, fighting, laughing, loving, moaning, breathing. _Him, and no one else. No one ever again. Him, him, him._

His heart is pounding in his chest, his lungs abruptly releasing a forceful gasp, suddenly becoming aware of his surroundings. His hand trembles as he loosens his grip on the armrest, moving it to rub his aching temple. He breathes in and out, and in and out. Then he snaps the light on, needing to rid himself of this toxic darkness.

“Here you are.”

Magnus startles, his body tense, eyes wide, fixed on Alec walking towards him, the soft smile on his beautiful face suddenly freezing, replaced by a worried frown.

“Are you alright? I thought you weren’t here, everywhere was dark.” He halts in front of him, hazel eyes roaming his face, attentive, concerned, seeking, piercing through his walls with a tenderness, unparalleled to anything else he has ever known.

No one has ever looked at him this way, or any other. He can’t even describe it, but it’s Alec, only Alec.

His reflex is to nod, tell him he’s fine, get up and greet him with a kiss and hug and ask about his long day. But fuck reflexes and centuries of built-in protective mechanisms. He’s sick of all of it, sick of himself. He shakes his head and slumps back into the armchair.

“What’s wrong?”

Alec’s crouching down, taking one of his hands as Magnus knew he would, ready to listen, to share his pain, to find ways to make him feel better, as he always does, without fail. And is it so selfish of him to want that? For wanting to be cared for, and share anything and everything on his mind, in his life? He knows it is, because no one has ever stayed for just a fraction of it.

And he _needs_ him to stay. _Him,_ no one else.

He feels Alec’s thumb caressing his skin, and he closes his eyes and takes a deep, inward breath, his fingers rubbing his eyes for a moment.

“I have a tendency of ruining what I think is too good to be true, and tonight I just lost myself in these feelings.” He drops his hand and meets Alec’s eyes, unfathomable the love emanating from them.

“What do you think is too good to be true?” Alec’s voice is soft, careful in his approach, no doubt having a clear idea of what it is Magnus is thinking.

He doesn’t answer him with words, silently communicating that what he thinks is right, instantly knowing Alec understands.

“Magnus... “ Alec’s gaze drops for a moment, his mind working.

Once he found the words, their eyes connect once more.

“I told my mother once that I don't abandon people just because they're a hard choice, and thinking about it, it was mostly the outside circumstances that made it hard for us, harder than it should have been. It wasn't you, you were... something in me just wanted... like I've never wanted anything, not my parents' approval, not the Head of the Institute title, just you. And it got stronger every day and fucked up my whole damn life, and it was, it _is_ the best thing to ever happen to me. It made me me… and I can be a better brother and parabatai and person for it, because I can finally be myself, and I'm not ashamed any more, and I feel free and confident and good... just so good... and you are the biggest part of that.”

He moves, taking Magnus’ other hand in his, as well, looking down at their hands on Magnus’ legs.

“I'm still scared of things, I'm still going to fuck up, I still have to learn so damn much, but I will, especially with your help. And I'm still uncertain about pretty much everything, but not you. Even when we fought, when you wouldn't talk to me, I still knew that wasn't the end of us. I just knew. Like I just know you are for me, and I'm for you, and I don't doubt it, because I don't have to.”

Magnus feels spellbound, the honesty in Alec’s words, the overwhelming determination in his eyes, drawing him in, cloaking around him like his own magic, always thinking Alec has a kind of magic of his own he doesn’t even know about.

“You love me despite hundreds of years of pain and betrayal and prejudices from my kind, you want to spend your life with me, despite me being a Shadowhunter, a constant reminder of all of that. You still see _me_ , and not the hundreds and thousands of other people that did you wrong. You still love _me_ , and I love _you_ , flaws and past and all there is about you. And that's all you need to know whenever you feel like this. Just... remember… listen here.”

His right hand let go of Magnus’, laying over his heart, their heartbeats sounding loud, in sync, in the quiet.

There’s a shift. Inside his mind, one his heart has made a long while ago. He feels the sigh of relief from his lips, his hand moving to rest on Alec’s cheek, the man who turned his life, beliefs, heart, and mind, around, long after he lost faith in even the chance of that.

Magnus Bane's heart wants who it wants, and Alexander Lightwood's fits in every way imaginable.

  



End file.
